How complete will the change be?
You may still have some same-sex feelings, but you can develop the resources to respond appropriately. Feelings do not define you; you are defined by how you behave. If you act in healthy ways, you can be confident that the changes you experience are real.
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As you continue to grow, you will notice that the same-sex feelings will lessen in frequency and intensity. For most people, going through this transition process does not guarantee that they will never again have a same-sex attraction thought. Joe Dallas explained, "If a man has been a drunkard for 20 years, then joins Alcoholics Anonymous and stays sober, he has definitely changed. His sobriety will have an impact on all parts of his life, improving his attitude, relationships, and job performance. Will an occasional desire for a drink nullify his claim to have changed? Hardly." (Dallas, p. 46) Dr. Dean Byrd said, "It’s not so unlike treatment outcomes for other emotional struggles. Do we expect the individual to never struggle again? No, we simply expect that they will have the resources to respond to their struggles appropriately." (Byrd, “Interview," p. 93)
Don’t feel that you are only successful if you eliminate the feelings completely. You may still have some feelings from time to time. So don't let these occasional feelings make you discount the changes you have experienced. Life is a continual process of growing. Feelings do not define us; we are defined by how we respond to the feelings. Therefore, if you continue to act as you have decided for yourself that you should act, you can be confident that the changes you have experienced are real.
Every person deals with difficulties throughout life. We all have weaknesses and areas in which we want to grow. At times, everyone feels overwhelmed by their personal issues. Yet most people don’t feel as though they must either completely overcome their weaknesses or else stop trying. In his essay “Life Is Good and Getting Better,” Leo explains that his same-sex attractions have not disappeared. "I choose not to worry about when or if my SSA [same-sex attraction] feelings will go away. My immediate hope is that, day by day, I can control or master any sexualized thoughts or behaviors that come. I am learning to replace unwanted feelings with concern, love, and empathy toward all men. . . . In fact, I do not wish my SSA feelings to simply disappear. Rather, I hope that they will be replaced by or enhanced into a more celestial love." (Hyde, p. 84)
Do you believe in miracles?
My friend Alan wrote the following: "A woman in our neighborhood was in a terrible automobile accident last summer. Her neck and back were broken and they expected she would be paralyzed for life. But she was given a blessing that she would recover in some important ways. She went through spinal surgery and for a long time had to wear a halo cast. She has slowly regained functioning, and now is able to come to church with two canes; she doesn’t even need to use a wheelchair or walker. She can go up stairs and actually has quite good use of her hands, although not complete. I looked at her Sunday, and felt I should go up to her and tell her how much joy it gave me to see her at church because it is a witness to me of a modern-day miracle.
"It is interesting to me, because her miracle is different from the way miracles are portrayed in the Bible. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t complete. She is still a lot more hampered than she was before the accident. Yet in my own heart, the Spirit witnessed to me on that day—and has on other occasions when I have looked at her—that, in fact, she was incredibly blessed in her recovery. It is a miracle, regardless of the time span involved, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t all at once or that it still isn’t complete or even that it may never be complete.
"I am just now making the connection with my own situation. The miracle of my recovery may take a long time. It may be gradual. It may not ever take me to the point I think I really want to be, in terms of no same-sex attraction desires at all and no remnants of same-sex attraction thoughts ever. (Even straight people have inappropriate thoughts, don’t they?) But that doesn’t mean the miracle won’t happen in other ways that can be just as wonderful. And whatever faith and effort it takes to bring about the miracle—whatever that miracle may mean in my life—will be worth it."
Do you have the faith to be healed? Can God change you? Is there anything too hard for God? "For with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37). No matter how monumental this struggle may seem to you, it is not too hard with God’s help. Miracles do happen. They don’t necessarily happen overnight, and they don’t always happen in the way we expect. But miracles certainly happen. We have seen them in our lives and in the lives of many of our friends.
The Ultimate Goal
The ultimate goal of overcoming same-sex attraction is to achieve the following:
 | a sense of belonging to the male gender. |
| a comfortableness with heterosexual men. |
| male relationships that are emotionally healthy. |
| the ability to relate to women emotionally, spiritually, and physically. |
| the ability to function effectively as a husband and father. |
| the personal satisfaction of understanding, controlling, and feeling good about yourself. |